my first letter! :D

Dear Anders Landers,

My best friend and I have known each other since we were very young. There's one big difference between us. Her family has a lot of money -- mine doesn't.

Christmas is fast approaching, and I still have no idea what to get her. What do you give the girl who has everything and still stay within a tight budget? Please help me. I hate to once again give a cheap gift to such a close friend.

-- POOR IN NEW JERSEY

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Dear PINJ,

You sound so sweet-- yet so frail ;(. My least unsound advice would be to give a gift that subversively illuminates the financial chasm between the two of your families. Let me explain--

As I sit here at my broad, woody desk, wrapped in the unblanketable cold of your plight, I envision you as a character from the 1992 film Newsies. I like picturing you this way because I think that this movie should be your gift to Richy Richina, and here's why: it's old, and therefore inexpensive and unavailable on Blu-ray; it takes place near New Jersey, which is where you, and presumably your better-donned pal, live; and its cast of characters (including a young and supremely bonable Christian Bale, plus the guy-kid from Big [who since very well may have fallen into a figurative or unfigurative chasm of his own :\]) very lovably illustrates (dancing!) the view from your spirited but comparatively sucky vista.

Otherwise, I guess I'd probably look for a The Nice Price version of one of the first two Springsteen albums (I'm partial to The Wild, the Innocent & the E Street Shuffle), or just lie and pass off some piece of junk you find on the boardwalk as some relic from Jersey/Springsteen/Kevin Smith lore-- just try putting it on an unbloodied piece of particle board (a plaque) or something!

(You might also consider hunting down Rob Lowe before Christmas, as I understand a case of yuletide guilt has got him trading cash for a good sob story at a department store near you.)

In any case, m'best, dear one! Happy Hole-in-yer-socks-idays! ;) ;)

Anders Landers